Jesus Goes To Slimming World

One of my favourite parts of the Toasted Fiction: A Collection of Very Short Stories (That Nobody Asked For) book is Church Corner which features many tales of God, Jesus, Noah & Moses being human and going through the same shit we do on a daily basis. 

Those stories felt like they didn't need to end, so I've written some more little sketches and scripts of them. Here's the first one. Have a giggle and enjoy. 

Julie, the queen and leader of slimming world enters the room, not noticing yet that the room is nearly empty bar one wee plump woman called Margaret.  

JULIE: Welcome everyone to another week of Slimming World! Sorry I'm late, tried to recruit a fat man who was stuck in a vending machine, he'll be here next week. Now, I’m sure you’ve all done brilliantly since last week, I hear no rustling of crisp packets for a start which is good. Now before we get started I just want to take a wee roll call and see who is here. Margaret? 


JULIE: Dawn? 

Dawn doesn't respond. Julie looks up at the class and sees it is empty.

JULIE: Where in God's name is everyone? 

As if in response, the sound of large whooping and cheering come from next door. 

JULIE: What's going on out there?

Julie marches out of the room and barges straight into the room across from hers and stops, gasping as she is greeted by-- 

 --Jesus and the rest of the slimming world gang. Jesus is standing on a table at the front, throwing fish and loaves and burgers and cakes. Like a food tossing DJ. 

JULIE: Jesus!? What the fuck are you doing!? You're ruining Slimming World! You're destroying my good work!

JESUS: Fuck you Julie! This is what happens when you put me on the scales in my first week. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET! 


Chris Patrick